Alone

Couples huddle together
While Christmas shopping
On this icy day
Warming each other
With kisses
Sipping steaming cups of
Starbucks coffee

But I am alone
Wherever I go
Always alone
Just watching
From afar
Wishing I could open up
To love
But fear blocks my path
Reminding me of heartbreak
And loss

I long for kisses
To sooth my frozen lips
How I long
For closeness and comfort
But I'm stuck here
Watching from afar
Dreaming of love
Always just dreaming

Coming Home (Part 2 of In the Stars)

I’m chatting to three of my friends at the start of school when I see Grace arrive. She smiles when she sees me, her expression full of happiness. I almost smile back, I want to so badly, but my split and bruised knuckles throb and I realise that I can’t get close to her, I can’t risk hurting her. I narrow my eyes and give her the coldest look I can manage. She shouldn't associate with me.

Hurt flashes across her face, then she turns and walks away, not looking back. I feel like throwing up, I was so looking forward to speaking to her today.

“Ooh, you’ve got a fan,” Ben says, slapping me hard on my back. James and Kevin laugh loudly. I have a bruise on my jaw which none of them have asked me about. Why do I hang with these people? I head off to my first class, leaving them laughing. 

My body is stiff from the beating my Dad gave me last night, the worst he's ever hurt me and the first time I’ve ever turned on him. The first time I've hit anyone. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. I can’t think of anything worse than turning into my Dad. I suddenly realise the Miss Jones is right in front of me and that I haven't heard a single word she's said in the class so far. “Everything okay Matt?” she asks. 

“Yes,” I say.

She looks at me more closely, her eyes on my jaw and down at my bruised hands. It seems like ages until she speaks. “Stay for a few minutes after class,” she finally says, and goes back to the lesson. I try to focus, but I can’t. At the end of the hour, I wait in my seat. 

“Is everything okay Matt?” she asks. 

“Yes,” I tell her. I can’t tell anyone what happened. What I did. I swallow loudly.

“I don’t think it is,” she shakes her head. “Who hurt you?"

The urge to tell someone is overwhelming. “I don’t want to be like my Dad,” I blurt out. 

"Tell me what happened," she urges.
"He was angry when I got home last night, and started hitting me, worse than ever before," I say, and feel a twinge of guilt about lying to Grace. "I hit him back. I've never done that before."
"And what about your Mum? Has he hurt her too."
"Yes.
"Is she okay Matt?"
"I think so. I think she's okay," I say, looking down.
"Thanks for telling me this Matt. I know it was hard. I'm going to call Mr Graham, our consellor and ask him to join us in this discussion. Are there any friends you can open up to about this? It can really help."

Immediately, Grace pops into my mind. I think she’s someone I can talk to, if she can forgive me. “I think I so,” I say.

“That's good,” she says and picks up the phone.

Mr Graham and Miss Jones encourage me to report my Dad to police, which I do and Mr Graham drives us to the police station so that I can and tell them what's happening. It's lunchtime when we arrive back at school. They suggested I go home but I couldn't face it. Yawning, I walk to the canteen to see if I can find Grace. She’s in the queue to pay for lunch. I join her and throw some food onto my tray. 

“Will you have lunch with me Grace?” 

She looks reluctant but her eyes widen when she takes in the bruise on my face. “Of course,” she says.

We find a table outside and start eating. “What happened?” She asks.

“I’m sorry about earlier", I say in a rush.  “I was scared about what happened last night, scared of who I am.” 

“Don't worry,” she says. “What happened?” 

“My Dad was waiting for me last night. He went crazy, swearing at me. Hitting me.” 

“Are you badly hurt? Will you be okay?” 

“Not too badly. I reported him to the police this morning. That's why I was out of school. I've been feeling guilty because I hit him back,” I say, my expression grim as I say the last few words. 

“I'm glad you defended yourself” she says, her eyes glittering fiercely. “Has your Dad been arrested? You’re not going back there are you?” 
"I don't know what will happen." I bite one of my nails.

She reaches out and cups my cheek with her right hand, running her thumb lightly over the bruise. "I have some ointment that would help the bruising go down."
"I'm fine." She releases her hand but I grab it and hold it. "Thanks for being a good friend. For letting me talk to you."
"You can talk to me about anything. You can trust me."
"You're beautiful," I force the words out. What if she doesn't feel the same about me?
Her eyes widen. It could be shock, but I think I sense fear, "What are you saying Matt?"
"I want you to be my girlfriend." I take a deep breath and watch her as her eyes widen further. She looks like a rabbit in the headlights. I know she's had a rough time with her parents but I really thought she liked me. I remember holding her last night. She didn't seem scared then.
"I can't," she finally says, her voice cracking. "All I can be to you is a friend."
"Forget I asked," I say, pulling my hand of hers and walking away.

How could I trust her? My heart aches and my head starts to throb. I hide outside and miss all my afternoon classes, trying to figure out what to do. What's happening at home? Will Mum support my statement? For me? 
When the final bell rings I head back inside school to put my books back into my locker. When I open it, a note flutters out and onto the floor. Before I can reach down to grab it another hand picks it up. James. Oh Great.

"Meet me in the park after school. I'm sorry. Love G," he reads. "Ooh," he mocks. "Who's the chick?"
"Fuck off," I say, but he just laughs. Raising my hands to my chin in a boxing stance, I say, "Give that back or you'll regret it."
His eyebrows raise, in shock maybe, and he throws the note on the floor, mumbling, "Whatever," as he walks away. I grab the note and stuff it into the pocket of my jacket.

I pile up the books I had in my bag into the locker and leave school, hands in my pockets. The note brushes my hand as I walk. My friends say goodbye but I ignore them and walk straight to the park. All the way, I wonder what she has to say to me. Will she change her mind? Nerves knot in my stomach.

She's sitting on the same bench as last night and she smiles when she sees me but it doesn't reach her eyes. I sit next to her and say, "Hi."
"Hi," she says. "You got my note."
When I don't answer, she continues. "I spoke to my Mum. She said you could stay for a few days, in my brother's room, until you and your Mum get things sorted. He's at college so there's plenty of room."
"Are you sure it's okay?" I say and when she nods I feel a huge weight lifting off my shoulders. I'm so happy I don't have to face things at home now. "Thank you."
"About earlier," she says, her mouth twisting as she speaks. "I was scared. I'm sorry."
"What are you scared of Grace?"
Her face crumples and she cries, holding her hands over her face. I want to reach out and comfort her but I don't.
When she finally stops crying and takes her hands away from her face, she tries to wipe the tears on her cheeks away with her fingers. "It's been so long since I opened up to anyone. Until last night. But you already knew," her eyebrows raise. "I was twelve and I had a best friend. Nancy and I were so close. I finally told her what was going on at home," she sighs. "She told her Mum who confronted my Mum. She was furious with me. I was grounded for a week and in that time, Nancy moved to a new school. I still see her from time to time but she just looks away. Since then, I've kept my distance. I haven't got close to anyone."
"What are you saying Grace? That you can't trust me to keep my mouth shut?"
"I'm afraid to trust you," she shifts on the bench. "I'm afraid to get close to you. I thought after last night that maybe I'd found a friend,"
"I pushed too fast,"
"Yes, that's exactly it."
"So we'll be friends," I say. "For now."
"For now?" she says, her voice squeaky.
"I don't remember you being unhappy with me holding you last night."
She chuckles, looking down at her hands in her lap, but I'm sure I see her cheeks redden.
"So do friends kiss?"
She rolls her eyes at me, "Come on, we'd better head home, it's almost time for dinner."

In the Stars Part 1

I sit on a bench in my local park staring at the stars, trying to forget the sound of my parents screaming at each other. Tears rush into my eyes and I bite my bottom lip until it throbs. I won’t cry. I won’t show weakness, I tell myself. I hear footsteps and Matt, a boy who is a year above me at school, sits on the other side of the bench. “Hi Grace,” he says.
It takes me a moment to respond because all I can think is, how does he know my name?  “Hi,” I finally say.
“Matt,” he says.
“I know,” I say and I feel my cheeks heating up. I press my palms against my cheeks to cool them down.
“Okay,” he shrugs and laughs at the same time. “Parents fighting?" he asks.
"How do you know that?" I ask, frowning.
"I saw them once, dropping you at school, so caught up in themselves that they barely noticed you." He shakes his head, angrily. "I know what that's like too."
"Your parents argue a lot too?"
"Yes. And when my Dad gets really mad he punches my Mum."
"I'm so sorry," I say.

Tears rush into my eyes again, and my hands tighten into fists. Why can't I control my emotions? Matt shuffles along the bench until he’s  right next to me, his arm lightly touching mine. His fingers cover one of my fists. Suddenly I can't breath. He's too close but I don't want him to leave.

"You can show how you feel, you know," he says, his voice gentle. "It's not weakness."

I sob, and it echos around the park. How does he get me so easily when I have no idea who I am?

"Mum told me never to show weakness?" I sniff.
"She was wrong," he shakes his head. "Letting your emotions show is brave."

I try to swallow the lump in my throat but I can't hold it in anymore. Matt pulls me into his arms as I cry and I cling to him, my arms around his neck.

"Feel a bit better?" he asks when finally I am calm again. I nod, letting him go, but he holds onto my waist. I feel exhausted, but somehow lighter, like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

We sit together for a long time, in silence. It's a peaceful silence though. I look up at the sky, and wonder what's in the stars, It's rarely dark enough to see them.

"I'd better go," I say eventually. It's almost 1 AM, way past my curfew.
Matt releases me and we both stand up. I shiver, missing his warmth.
"Thanks for listening."
He nods. "Thank you for being here Grace," he says. "Do you need me to walk you home?"
I shake my head. "It's not far."
"Okay. Night Grace."
"Night Matt."

I watch him walk away until he is out of sight. Will he talk to me at school tomorrow? I can't help wondering. Then I leave the park and run home.

Rachel's Dive into Recovery

I woke up screaming again. The same dream, haunting me nightly. But they were not just dreams, it really happened. I almost drowned while training. And it was completely my own fault.

Will slept on; Glad that I hadn't woken him this time I tiptoed downstairs to get a glass of water. Looking out at our pool, untouched now for two years, anger surged through me. Why couldn't I get over this?

I opened the doors to the pool room, breathing in the familiar smell of Chlorine. And looked up at the stars through the glass roof. “Is there anyone up there?" I asked. "Please help me."

I pulled off my nightie and before I could think too much I dived into the deep end of the pool. Heart beating at double time, I rose to the surface, carefully holding my breath. Treading water, I kept repeating, "I’m okay, I'm okay."

Suddenly the light changed, and my eyes closed against the brightness.

“You okay Rach?” Will asked, concern in his voice.
“I think so.” I said, my voice shaky.

There was a splash and he was by my side in an instant, his arms pulling me close, “I've got you."